


Strength is flickering inside

by silvermoongirl10



Series: Exists in a delicate balance [22]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Obi-Wan Kenobi Gets a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Worried CC-2224 | Cody, Worried Qui-Gon Jinn, family hugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:55:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28897737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silvermoongirl10/pseuds/silvermoongirl10
Summary: It has come to Qui-Gon's attention that his former Padawan has been self-doubting himself as a Knight and Master for thirteen years and the time has come to put those self-doubts to rest. Obi-Wan does not want to talk, but can Qui-Gon and Cody get through to him?(Set 7 months after the Clone Wars.)(Direct sequel toThe Light of another day.)
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody & Qui-Gon Jinn, CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn & Obi-Wan Kenobi
Series: Exists in a delicate balance [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1978357
Comments: 6
Kudos: 71





	Strength is flickering inside

It had been a week since Obi-Wan and Cody's return from their failed mission to negotiate with the Commerce Guild and Qui-Gon was still waking up in a cold sweat remembering how it felt when his training bond with Obi-Wan went blank. He thought he had known worry during the war as he listened to every titbit of information he could gather about his youngest Padawan, but the war was nothing compared to thinking for three days his boy was dead. When he had seen Cody standing in front of the cave, no Obi-Wan insight, Qui-Gon had truly thought he had lost his youngest, but the surge of relief he felt at Cody telling him Obi-Wan was still alive almost brought him to his knees. But the return trip to the Temple brought more grief with it. All he could do as his youngest Padawan mumbled his way through his hallucinations of the past was sit there and listen. He could offer no words of comfort, for Obi-Wan could not hear him. He had to listen as Obi-Wan spoke of his deepest feelings, how he was never good enough and should never have been Knighted for defeating Maul.

For a week Qui-Gon thought about what he should do. Obi-Wan would never have confessed his feelings without being drugged, but he said them because that is what he felt. And Qui-Gon couldn't stand the thought of his child living with those doubts a moment longer. So, one afternoon after Obi-Wan was given a clean bill of health, he made his way to the quarters shared by Obi-Wan and Cody. He found the pair of them clearing away their plates from their lunch and smiled as he took a seat on one of their sofas and just observed them. It lightened his heart to see Obi-Wan so happy, his ocean blue eyes bright and his shoulders relaxed. Part of him wanted to delay the conversation, but he knew he couldn't. The conversation had been overdue for thirteen years already.

Obi-Wan and Cody came to sit on the other sofa, both tilting their bodies so they could face him better, their hands clasped together. His former Padawan frowned at him, concern reflected in his eyes. "Master, what is wrong?"

Qui-Gon smiled softly, "there is nothing wrong per se. I just felt it was time for you and I to have a conversation. A long overdue conversation."

"Do you want me to go?" asked Cody as he gestured to the front door with his head. No accusation in his voice.

"No," commented Qui-Gon immediately. "I know you are aware of what I need to speak to Obi-Wan about."

Obi-Wan frowned, his blue eyes going blank, Qui-Gon sighed to himself. He had just put Obi-Wan on alert and he now had to tread carefully before his child felt cornered. "This is about what I said during my hallucinations isn't it?" Obi-Wan stated, his voice taking on a neutral tone, a tone he used on politicians. Cody tightened his hold on Obi-Wan's hand and murmured soothingly to him, obviously sensing like Qui-Gon they were treading on thin ice. He never could lie to his Padawan so he nodded. Obi-Wan tsked as he rolled his eyes. "I wasn't in my clear mind, so there is nothing to discuss."

"There is Obi-Wan, the things you said tell me they are things you still think about," countered Qui-Gon softly, as he rested his clasped hands on his knees and leaned forward a little.

"They are words from the _past_ ," chided Obi-Wan as he shook his head.

"It is good to talk about the past though," commented Cody, as he looked between the two Jedi. "You showed me that by making me realise it would be good for me to talk to a Mind Healer. And it has already helped after only one conversation, of which I will have more."

"That is _different_ ," said Obi-Wan as he shook his head. "That is about discussing trauma –"

"Which you went through the day you fought Maul in Theed," interrupted Qui-Gon. He frowned when he saw Obi-Wan flinch at the reminder of the duel, some of the colour from his face draining away as he looked into the distance. "Obi-Wan…you said you didn't deserve to be Knighted for that fight."

"I didn't!" exclaimed Obi-Wan, his blue eyes alight with annoyance.

Qui-Gon leaned over the small table and grabbed onto Obi-Wan's free hand. "You did! You defeated the first Sith seen in a thousand years! Obi-Wan –"

"But I didn't defeat him!" snapped Obi-Wan as he pushed himself to his feet, letting go of Cody's hand and pulling his own hand out of Qui-Gon's grasp. He moved away a few steps so he was stood opposite Qui-Gon, the small table between them. "He survived and so I failed in my duty as a Jedi to ensure the Sith threat was gone. I didn't do that and he went on to kill other beings!"

"That is _not_ your fault Obi-Wan!" countered Qui-Gon firmly as he pushed himself to his feet, Cody moving to stand beside him.

"Cyare you couldn't have known Maul would survive that duel," Cody softly said. His brown eyes shining with concern as he observed his husband's rattled state. Qui-Gon watched helplessly as Obi-Wan ran a shaky hand through his copper hair.

"But I should have!" exclaimed Obi-Wan, he turned to face them, his hands clenched into fists. Then in frustration he lifted his hands up and tugged harshly at his copper hair. Qui-Gon winced while Cody reached out with his hands across the small table in an attempt to stop Obi-Wan from pulling his hair.

"Cyare you're going to hurt yourself!" protested Cody, his voice thick with concern. Both Qui-Gon and Cody slowly moved around the small table, edging closer to Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan stumbled back and away from them, moving around one of the sofas so he was closer to the front door, his back facing the door as he glared at Qui-Gon. "Why did we have to talk about this? It's in the past, I accepted what happened during and after the duel was my fault. So, just let it _go_."

"Your fault?!" exclaimed Qui-Gon tightly. "None of what happened was your fault! I _let_ Maul lead me away from you!"

"Just _stop!_ " cried Obi-Wan, his voice rising in frustration and cracking on the last word. Cody made a small sound of protest when Obi-Wan tugged sharply at his hair again. Qui-Gon stepped closer to Obi-Wan with more purpose. Hating the visible distress, he was causing his former Padawan, but truly knowing that past events had to be talked about and finally put behind them.

"Obi-Wan –"

His child stepped back and away from his outstretched hand. "I can't do this," protested Obi-Wan under his breath, and then all Qui-Gon could see of his child was Obi-Wan's back disappearing out of the front door. Leaving him and Cody stood in the living space watching as the front door slammed shut with sad eyes and heavy thoughts.

* * *

Obi-Wan felt his knees buckle and just let himself fall, his knees sinking into the soft grass of the Room of a Thousand Fountains. He clenched his eyes shut, his mind replaying every sight, smell, touch and every sound of the duel in Theed. The overwhelming terror of watching as Maul struck down his Master as he was helpless, just stood watching it happen. His Master could take the blame for their separation all he wanted, but Obi-Wan knew the truth. He should have been better; he should have kept up and then maybe Maul could have been stopped there. Before he caused more terror and grief in the thirteen years until Quinlan and Cody stopped him.

His thoughts stopped spiralling suddenly when he felt a small Force presence tapping against his shields. He pulled open his eyes and was met with the caring face and gentle brown eyes of Initiate Carn kneeling in front of him, the girl he planned to make his Padawan in the next few months. He jumped at a pressure on his hand and looked down to see the girl had clutched his hand in her small one, her touch warm and soothing. "Master Kenobi you felt upset in the Force and I just wanted to make sure you were alright."

"I am now, thank you young one," he smiled, well tried to. It was true, the horrors of his past were slipping away at the Light presence of the young Initiate.

"Oh!" the girl exclaimed. "How rude of me. My name is Initiate Ranna Carn." Ranna then dipped her head forward in an approximation of a bow, her chin length black hair bobbing with the movement.

Obi-Wan smiled, "it is a pleasure to meet you Initiate Carn."

Ranna sat back up and smiled brightly at him and then squeezed his hand. "Whenever I feel upset Creche Master Lo does this for me, so I hoped this would help you."

"It has a great deal little one," he reassured the young girl. He watched as she pulled her legs out from under her and stretched out her legs, not once letting go of his hand.

Ranna looked up at the glass ceiling and smiled at the sunrays that warmed her soft honey coloured skin. She then turned back to him; her brown eyes soft. "Master Lo says it helps to talk about what is upsetting you. I know there are things a Master cannot tell an Initiate, but do you have someone to talk to Master Kenobi?"

He smiled as he rested his free hand on the top of Ranna's head. "I do young one. Actually, they tried to talk to me before I came here. But I did not want to listen to them."

"Ah," nodded Ranna, a small smile on her face. "It's like when I try to help the younglings and they don't want my help because they want to be all grown up. And while I may take a step back, I'm always going to be there to watch over them." Obi-Wan chuckled to himself and nodded in agreement. Yes, Ranna was right. While it had been thirteen years since he was a Padawan, it didn't mean his Master didn't still worry about him. At the sound of the chime bells, Ranna jumped and then smiled up at him. "I've got to go back to the Creche now Master Kenobi." She pulled herself to her feet and then hesitated, Obi-Wan was about to ask what was wrong when, suddenly, Ranna titled herself forward so she could wrap her arms around his shoulders. He smiled and relaxed into the hug, Ranna's black hair tickling his nose. "Make sure you talk to them Master Kenobi," Ranna commented.

Obi-Wan leaned back and steadily met Ranna's brown eyes and smiled. "I will little one." And he knew he would, because in the Force he could sense Cody nearby. Ranna smiled brightly at him and with a farewell she turned and began walking out of the room. Once she was out of sight, he turned to his left just as Cody sat down beside him on the grass.

* * *

Cody watched as Initiate Carn left, and then began walking over to his cyare. Seeing his husband calmer and relaxed eased the tightness of his chest. He smiled when Obi-Wan reached out a hand and clasped their hands together. "I'm sorry," murmured Obi-Wan, his eyes looking down at the grass.

Shaking his head, Cody used his free hand to tilt his cyare's face up, so they could look each other in the eyes. "There is nothing for you to be sorry about."

Obi-Wan grimaced. "There is. I shouldn't have stormed out of our quarters like that."

"It was a touchy subject," Cody reassured his husband, while also moving his hand from Obi-Wan's chin to his hair, where he pushed back some of the copper strands out of his cyare's face. "One it seems you need to talk about." Obi-Wan sighed and nodded, he then dropped his head so it was leaning against Cody's shoulder. "You said you've been to Mind Healers before. Why didn't you go after Theed?" he asked. He was slightly confused, Obi-Wan readily admitted to anyone he had sought the help of Mind Healers before and benefitted from it. So, it puzzled Cody that his cyare did not seek out help after he was Knighted.

Sighing, Obi-Wan lifted his head up and turned his head so he could look at Cody. "Because at the time I didn't think I needed help. Afterall, I wasn't the one struck down by Maul."

Cody turned his body slightly and then rested both of his hands on the sides of Obi-Wan's head, his thumbs brushing against his husband's cheeks. "Tell me now. Tell me everything you were feeling at the time." He watched as his husband tried to find the words, his blue eyes glazing over as he recalled the events.

"I…I was scared," admitted Obi-Wan, he tried to look away from Cody's gaze, but Cody wasn't allowing it, keeping his cyare's eyes on him. "It seemed like one second I was a Padawan and the next…I got a field promotion to Jedi Knight and I was sent out on missions. Mace did offer me time in Temple, but I knew Anakin was going to be my Padawan and I wanted to be the best Master for him I could be. So, that meant getting used to being a Knight. So, for four months I went out on solo missions. After that…I had Anakin. I _couldn't_ fall apart. I thought Qui-Gon was disappointed I took Anakin on, so I kept a distance…thinking that maybe I _wasn't_ a good enough teacher. I spent ten years just trying to convince myself that everything was fine. But it wasn't…Dooku had gone…I couldn't bring myself to talk to Qui-Gon, especially as I blamed myself for his injury…Feemor was out on long missions and I _had_ to be there for Anakin. So, somehow, I kept pushing myself forward. But the whole time I was just… _scared_." Obi-Wan then leaned his face into the crook of Cody's neck, warm, salty tears dripping down his face.

"Oh cyare," whispered Cody. He buried his face into the copper hair of his husband and held his Jedi to his chest tightly. "You are good enough, more than good enough. You are _everything_."

Obi-wan sniffled, his voice was muffled from how he had pushed his face into the crook of Cody's neck. "You're biased."

"That may be, but he is right." Cody turned and smiled at Qui-Gon who walked over the soft grass with silent steps. Cody loosened his hold on Obi-Wan and watched as his cyare leaned back and looked at his former Master with wary eyes. Qui-Gon knelt beside them both, resting a hand on each of their shoulders. " _I_ was the one who rushed ahead Padawan. In my need to protect you…to keep you away from the Sith. I made the worst error I could have possibly done. _I left you_ , to deal with the Sith. I was laying there injured and terrified that I was now going to watch as my child was killed in front of me. All because _I_ _didn't wait_."

"Master…" murmured Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon then smiled and pulled both Cody and Obi-Wan against his chest. Resting his chin against their heads and Cody pulled Obi-Wan close to him, as they both felt safe in Qui-Gon's hold.

"You are _strong_ and _brave_ former Padawan mine, and the burdens you place on your shoulders _are not_ yours to carry. But if you insist on carrying them, share them with us." Qui-Gon said quietly, his chest rumbling against Cody's ear.

Cody smiled when he watched Obi-Wan nod in agreement with his former Master's words. Cody knew the conversation was not over, and there was much work to be done. After all, thirteen years of self-doubt didn't disappear after one conversation, but he knew Obi-Wan was going to be alright. Cody and the others would make sure of it. Obi-Wan had spent the past thirteen years keeping himself standing, now he had plenty of other beings who were more than happy to help keep him standing.

**Author's Note:**

> I am slowly introducing Ranna and I hope you are all starting to like her.


End file.
